Better Now- Serena Ryder
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This song came on the radio yesterday, and while I am not a huge fan of this style of music, the lyrics really stood out to me. About 4 years ago now, I went into the biggest depression I’ve ever experienced, but when I look back now, I can see that it was just my awakening. However, when I was in the thick of it, my whole body was terrified. Depression is something I had struggled with most of my life, I knew it’s signs and symptoms and always knew how to push through every time it came crashing down… but this time was different. I had no control and the more I tried to control it the more anxiety it brought. I had no idea who I was, where I was, what I was doing, who to trust, how to cook or do simple things, and lived in a continuous panic attack that lasted months. Even 4 years later, my nervous system is still recovering from being in such total shock and high stress. I specifically remember my ears feeling like hot flames with high pitch ringing that never went away. People would try to talk to me, but I couldn’t speak.. I was trapped in my own body without a voice. It felt like I was in the movie Uptown Girls with Britney Murphy where I spun round and round on the carousel and couldn’t get off the ride.
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After years of wanting to figure out the root cause and digging deep into my own shadow work, I have never been in a more mentally stable place in my life. Of course I know there will be bumps along the road, but I have come to a place where I feel I am truly meeting myself for the first time. Death and rebirth.
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I write this today as this New Moon in Scorpio is here to show us that although the process of letting go is scary, it can also be beautiful too. That messy-ness is an innate part of being human, of being alive. That even though you may feel you will never see the light again, by digging a little deeper into those raw emotions, a phoenix can be born. The light of Sagittarius is just around the corner, but you need to connect with yourself to get there. Just keep moving.
